Humans are, for the most part, sociable animals. Whilst some of us might feel more comfortable working alone, for the most part, we need to feel wanted and valued by those around us. This provides us with the feedback we need to defeat our inner securities and help us feel worthwhile.
We want to be liked – and part of a ‘tribe’ – so when those around us make demands of us, we find it difficult to push back. We think it will damage the relationships we’ve invested time, energy and emotion in to create. And being asked to fix their problems helps us feel valued too. A superficial fix for our own needs. To feel valued in a world where we so often fail to get positive feedback.
For leaders, this can be a paradox, for whilst it is a huge asset to be close to your people, setting the boundary between having good relationships and being demanding enough can be a challenge. Most often, when I talk to leaders, they are time-starved. Yet with deeper conversation, there is so much more they can let go of.
Much more they can say ’No’ to.
To say ‘Yes’ too often can damage those relationships so vital to us. When we accept the demands of those in our teams consistently, they fail to grow. Their easy life is not sufficiently challenging enough to find their own solutions. They fail to see different perspectives their own. They fail to appreciate discipline and focus and their respect for you will quickly fade. If you fix things for them, they will come back for more, placing too high levels of demand on you. You will face and resolving their challenges will take over from your own and you will be swamped, causing your own performance to suffer.
When their demands on you are out of line, they will fail to develop. They will become disengaged because you are taking on the burden, rather than them, causing boredom and frustration, increased demotivation, greater absence and, inevitably churn.
By saying ‘No’ more often, you will give decision-making back to them, increasing challenge and stretch. Giving them the opportunity to be creative, pro-active and curious. Tough love will bring capabilities out that you – and they – may not have imagined.
By saying ‘No’, you create a set of standards of behaviour and performance that will be clear and understood – a model by which those in your team will learn as they progress to become capable leaders themselves one day.
As a leader, you have another challenge, this time in the opposite direction. By saying ‘No’ to those who lead YOU, your leaders will begin to evolve themselves, appreciating that you are not a soft touch and, when they observe your team’s developing performance, they may – and this is just a may – realise that your way of working might have something in it. In an ideal world, they too will begin to adapt their own behaviours as well.
Too often we agree to things that we don’t always need to do, as well as feeling the need to belong. It is a false belief that to says ‘Yes’ to the needs of others all the time is endearing. Sometimes, you have to say ‘No’.
The best leaders get the balance just right.
Martin Haworth is a coach, trainer and writer (of things that sometimes just pop up for him!). He has no specific communication skills, but he does get along with most people. Sometimes, amazing things happen. He lives in Gloucester, England and travels extensively as a Leadership Trainer and Coach with TNM Coaching.
