There are days where we can feel as though people take advantage of us. They may bully or intimidate to get what they want. They may seem to have little feeling for anyone else apart from themselves. And this can feel painful. Later, you’ll find a mindset that will set you free and give you control of the most important part of your life in a moment, but first, here’s a little story.
It’s a warm summer afternoon. Forest school. Kids walking along a huge tree trunk. Around a dozen are balancing themselves as they go from one end to the other, starting from both ends. Caring Mums support some; Dads support others and some aren’t supported at all.
They walk along on their own.
As they are coming towards each other from both ends – a procedural mistake to be learned from by the way; next time have a one-way system – inevitably there will be decisions to be made so that progress can continue by each individual child.
When there’s a parent holding a hand, there is a generous acceptance and explanation to the child that one has to give way and most interactions are amicable. They lift the child down as the other passes (there is another story to be written about a parent who always gives way, modelling this to their child).
When two older kids show up on their own, it doesn’t always go so well. They size each other up and sometimes neither wants to give way, until one breaks and jumps down. Very occasionally, neither do and there’s either a face-off and both struggle to keep on top of the tree trunk as they pass – a sort of desperate wrestle to hang on, and sometimes, one or even both fall off.
In the workplace, we see this replicated in many ways. As adults, we are more subtle about keeping our place on the tree trunk. Our ego can prevent us from giving way at all and we always want to stay on. The alternative – where we always give way – is less comfortable to our ego, but if this is our normal state, we may have learned that to step aside is the easiest option for us as an individual.*
If it may be that there are some battles that are simply not worth the standoff.
In the best cases, we choose the occasions where we climb down and we do not feel weakened when we let others pass. In fact, seemingly losing external control of the situation is offset by taking control of our responses and making a decision that is most beneficial in the bigger picture.
Control is not simply about giving way and losing face. The bigger control is where we make choices that are most effective for us, and in the environment in which we live and work.
Getting off the tree trunk and letting someone pass may well be a better way of taking control. A more mature way.
For the situation – and even more – for you.
